If you’re familiar with Red Argyle, you know that we started out as an information architecture and conceptual consulting firm. Over the years, our love of Salesforce has grown, and we’ve had a lot of successful projects.
However, we’re still hungry and looking to move into what we are pretty sure is the next big thing. Our recent staff workshop produced too many great ideas to pick from. And so, loyal blog readers, it’s market validation time.
Without further ado, we proudly announce Red Argyle’s future business models. Please leave us feedback on which ones you think are the most cutting edge, innovative, or downright genius. We will then work hard to transition all of our resources into this new, exciting vision for the future of Red Argyle.
Brought to you by Garry Polmateer @DarthGarry.
Have stuff? Need something to put it in? Introducing Shed Argyle. Sheds as a Service. Like Uber, for Sheds. Simply open the mobile app and take a picture of what you’re looking to Shedify. Then our team of expert consultants applies our time-tested Red Method to the design, building, quality assurance, and support of your custom Shed. Guaranteed ROI, and by ROI, I mean keeping your stuff dry.
Shed Argyle FAQ
You mean like a physical shed?
Yeah. We know “containers.” We do containers. But containers aren’t real. Sheds are real.
What do you mean by support?
While some people think of support as “someone on the phone who can help,” we take things more literally. All of our Sheds are supported by a minimum of 4 cinder blocks.
How does a shed produce ROI?
It’s easy. If you have $1,000 worth of stuff in your Shed and it doesn’t get wet, and therefore ruined, you just saved $1,000. If the Shed cost $800, then you have $200 of ROI.
But wait, a mobile app?
In order to deliver on our promise of being “Like Uber, for Sheds,” of course we needed a mobile app.
What’s your growth strategy?
Well, we figure if we can just capture .01% of the Shed market, our growth will pretty much look like a hockey stick.
Beyond your initial offering of sheds, how will you generate recurring revenue?
We’ve been working with a network of advertisers to pay us an additional fee to post advertisements on the side of delivered Sheds.
I’m a VC. How can I get in on this idea?
I can send you our PayPal account for an immediate deposit. Our latest series F round went great. We’re getting so much money thrown into the account that PayPal had to update their servers, so act fast!
Have you considered going public?
Of course we have! We’ve been negotiating with the FTC on IPO terms. This stock is going to sell like hot cakes!
Brought to you by Tamara Vogel @TamVogel.
Creating content is overrated! Let Shred Argyle help your DESTROY your content, both physical and digital.
Buried in reams of receipts, jury summons, and other incriminating paperwork? Shred Argyle can bring our state-of-the-art PaperMuncher 9000 .NET Extreme Edition shredder to your location. You can also use it for tree chipping. It makes a great addition to any child’s birthday party!
Looking to obliterate digital data? Shred Argyle has you covered with our patented “DELETE * FROM *” technology. We can wipe your database, CRM, or file server clean. No fuss. No muss. Tell those investigators you have nothing to hide and get ready to plead the Fifth!
Brought to you by Matt Allen @ThrantorForce.
Have you ever had a developer be so inconvenient as to remove their project knowledge from your company for such a pointless reason as death? Have you ever wanted to get back down to around 11 pounds while still being able to work? Does the idea of “living” forever appeal to you? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then come talk to one of our Cryopreservation Specialists today.
Through a patented process, Head Argyle has found a way for your consciousness (or that of a valued employee) to live on. We prevent your valuable life experience from being lost to perpetuity. And, as a side benefit, should medical science find a way to cure what bothered you to begin with you might even get to walk around some more. (Insurance benefit stipulations and Employer Head Ownership clauses may apply.)
This week we are running an employers special. Come talk to us about getting your entire development staff covered by one of our “Death Then Dismemberment” plans.
Our process is so effective that our founder had it done himself 23 years ago. He is still “head” of our company today, from the comfort of his custom dewar, using the same interfacing software he wrote more than 2 decades ago.
Brought to you by Tom Patros @TomPatros.
“It’s like Airbnb… for Uber!”
My recent trip to SXSW made it abundantly clear that the one-two combination of Uber and Airbnb has become the top alternative to a traditional hotel when attending conferences. However, the supply of house and cars for hire is not matching rise in demand for both of these services. Also, as the popularity of Airbnb grows, the houses that are available will increase in distance from the visitor’s ultimate destination (typically a downtown conference center), which will not only force house renters to be further from the action of the city, but it will also result in increased Uber fares to make up for the distance.
Bed Argyle – Your Sleep on Wheels.
Bed Argyle is a fleet of buses, RVs, and tractor-trailers, custom-fitted with beds. Lots of beds. As your “hostel on wheels,” Bed Argyle will circle the city streets during your next conference, always close by for a quick rest, a full night’s sleep, or a ride across town, all while totally not wreaking traffic havoc on the city streets.
Sign-up is simple: Just open the Bed Argyle app and a super-sized vehicle that’s definitely built for inner-city driving will come right to you. Let the driver know how long you’re planning on sleeping and where you want to be when you wake up. Done.
Not only does Bed Argyle provide an exceptional service for customers, but it also opens up a new revenue stream for truckers, country-wandering retirees, and off-hour school bus drivers. Interested drivers need only fashion their vehicle with one or more “beds” (sleeping bags, fluffy blankets, and 2+ layers of cardboard all pass the minimum qualifications), pass a simple drivers test in their respective cities, and get ready to watch the cash roll in. Get ready for “cozy surge hours,” when you can legitimately pack in 3 or more customers per bed.
Remember, the next time you need to travel, don’t worry about finding the perfect Airbnb rental while triangulating the best price for your daily Uber travels. Just use Bed Argyle!
Brought to you by Zach Horton @Zachmo12.
Our team of highly experienced certified Salesforce developers and administrators are totally overqualified to handle your next medical emergency. With 25 years of combined software development experience, our programmers have successfully practiced hundreds of digital surgeries and are ready to bring their talents into the physical world by handling your next major organ transplant. Our experienced QA team will be sure to test your new lung thoroughly before allowing you to walk out of the operating room.
When we’re done, you won’t even remember you had a kidney!
We got this–it’s not like it’s brain surgery.
Brought to you by Ashley Papp @AshleyMPapp.
After conducting extensive market research, we are positive that this whole anti-carb/gluten-free bubble is about to burst. And that means one thing: Bread is the new superfood! Are you looking to get healthy fast? Burn fat and grow up to 4 inches taller? All in less than 3 weeks, with no exercise or inconvenience to you? Then bread is the answer you’ve been searching for. But wait, there’s more. We don’t just bake bread. No, we bake bread stuffed with your favorite Easter treats. How do you think the Easter Bunny stays in such good shape? Well, bread, of course! If you call now, you’ll get our starter pack of Cadbury Egg Stuffed Bread, Jelly Bean Surprise Bread, and our #1 selling bread covered in a thick layer of melted marshmallow Peeps, all delivered to your door for the rock-bottom price of $79.99. And, if you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in an extra loaf of Jelly Bean Surprise Bread at no additional cost to you. Don’t wait–supplies are limited!
Brought to you by Lindsey Tessmer @Tessemator.
Are you worried about the impending zombie apocalypse and what it will do to your workforce? Well worry no more, Dead Argyle is here to help. We are a particular brand of HEAD hunters. We will help you find the best and the brightest zombies with the most brains. (Note: Not all of the brains may have originally belonged to these zombies, they do love their BRAIN food after all.) You no longer have to worry about your workers calling in sick–heck, calling in DEAD is a good thing in this instance.
Have you had a problem with insubordinate workers in the past? Dead Argyle has your back, literally. Our team is fully furnished with the best zombie hunting, er, managing equipment known to man. We handpick our recruits from the masses and place them in your organization to meet your specific demands. But, if they do get out of line, simply give us a call at 1-800-DED-HELP. Our professional team of zombie “managers” will resolve the problem with a flick of their machete, I mean, wrist.
Call us now, and be prepared for the days the undead walk the earth. It might be sooner than you think…I mean some guy turned a rat into a zombie last year, but I digress. Call me, Lindsey “Tomahawk” Tessmer, at 585-412-2153. Our team is the best–and only–in the biz.
Dead Argyle’s Zombie Management Team
Matthew “Dead Eye” Allen
Mark “When in Doubt, Up the Caliber” Slayton
Ashley “Pistol Annie“ Papp
Ryan “Great Shot“ Scott
Tamara “TNT” Vogel
Tom “Sergeant Shotgun” Patros
Garry “Reverend Spray and Pray” Polmateer
Zach “The Hawk-eyed” Horton
Lindsey “Tomahawk” Tessmer
Brought to you by Mark Slayton @Mark_D_Slayton.
After extensive research, we’ve come to one undeniable truth:
Everybody. Loves. Cheese.
I mean everybody! Even if you don’t THINK you love cheese, you do. Just trust me.
With this in mind, we’re proud to announce our latest consulting venture:
CheddArgyle is an initiative specializing in FaaS (Flavor-as-a-Service) platforms. Thanks to our years of extensive experience, we’re ready and able to help you find the perfect cheese for whatever your business needs, making sure you get the most out of your dairy investment.
Do you need help finding the right pairing for your next wine party? Is the cheeseburger situation at your company completely out of control? Or do you just need help identifying a quality kosher vegan gouda for that one particularly picky friend of yours? Whatever you needs, CheddArgyle is here to help. Give us a call today!
There you have it, blog-following friends. You’ve just been given an insider’s look at what’s to come for Red Argyle this year. Now that you’ve seen a glimpse of the future, we have to know–which new business venture earns your vote? Leave a comment below and tell us which direction you think Red Argyle should go!